Deflated ♥

I guess this is going to kind of be a moan and groan post I'm afraid. Sometimes I just find it therapeutic to write my thoughts down than talk about it. Getting it out, and feeling like I'm not troubling anybody feels a bit better than having to bore someone to tears with my jibber jabber. There isn't a need to continue reading if you don't want, I utterly understand, but sometimes in life, a girls just gotta get it out.

I'm feeling pretty down at the moment as it is, missing my friends and my weight is really getting to me. It's easy for people to say 'just walk then' or 'quit the cake', but when food rules you rather than you ruling it, it just isn't that simple. I know it's my own fault, and I don't really have a right to moan about it. I did this to myself and now I have to reap the consequences. It his me smack in the face today, like a huge wet fish.

I have actually been eating far better with healthier food, and doing little bits of exercise which probably aren't doing too much. I feel so tired though and I've been strictly doing it since Monday so not even a week and I'm feeling knackered. So this is how it hit me. If you have been reading my previous blogs, I have mentioned that I am skydiving in April. Not anymore. I gave my height and weight in, and there you have it, it's all over. When something that you have wanted to achieve your entire life, is being restricted by your weight, reality hits you very quickly. I can hardly stomach the embarrassment. 

I feel more determined than ever, I am using the Iphone app 'My Fitness Pal'. It is great because I can record everything I eat on that, and it calculates the calories used. If you exercise you 'gain' calories so you still have them to use up. I have been using it each day, and it really helps to reflect on what you are consuming. When I am in this mind frame, I am horrified at what I have previously been consuming. Ed & I ate out every night for about 9 days running last week. I have put on weight already from the severity of that. It's more than some people eat out in a year. It is purely shameful. 

I now have a huge build up of anger, and I feel like that is backing me to say no. It is very hard, but maybe if I document my feelings like this it might help. I really started feeling like this watching a Youtube video, which I found truly inspirational. 'MissChievous' is the channel name, and it seems she felt just like I do. Everything she says is exactly how I feel, and she has shed so much weight. If i was to carry on, I would just keep creeping up and up and up. It has to end. Now. I can't take the jokes about it or comments anymore, and I want to skydive more than anything, and one day, I WILL.